if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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