Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
