So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize