Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
