My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
Iām gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a ābrilliantā idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
