3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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