Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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