you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize