I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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