People in love make me want to vomit
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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