You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
