omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
