Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
