dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize