I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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