Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize