What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
