I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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