she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Found the puke drawer
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
