He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
