So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
