it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
