is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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