i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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