I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
