Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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