im drinking this country out of the recession.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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