Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
