i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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