Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
