My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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