Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
