where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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