Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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