She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Farmville is her only friend.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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