I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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