Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I love you. Go after that dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
