WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
