He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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