This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
