i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
