Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
