Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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