Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
