You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
