Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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