yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Plan B is the new Plan A
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
