Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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