you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I need to stop coming to work sober
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
