The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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