I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
