So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
