He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
