i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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