I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
