I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize