You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
