Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
