I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
