Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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