There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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