I seem to have left my pride at pride
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
there is puke in my bra ... again
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
