And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
